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by Rich Santos, Marie Claire, on Mon Dec 14
There are many circumstances that create the perfect storm for a deep committed relationship. In addition to compatibility you need good timing, luck, and both parties must be willing to commit. There's no secret formula for getting someone to commit-- I'll try to figure that out in another blog. But if your'e hoping to have more "relationships" instead of "casual dating" in 2010, here are some pointers to get you where you want to go:
1. Communicate More
You might be heading into a serious relationship without even knowing it. It's tough to know it if you don't talk about it, or say how you feel. Of course, this kind of conversation should be strategic and well-timed. But if you both continue dating without acknowledging verbally that things are getting deeper and more intense, you're just treading water. Make sure you both are on the same page; this is a key component to taking the next step from dating to relationship.
2. Don't Take The Best One For Granted
We all know that good boyfriends/girlfriends are not a dime a dozen. But that doesn't stop us from taking a good one for granted sometimes, or wondering if there is someone else out there. Remember how hard it is to find someone special, and you'll feel lucky every day. If you take someone for granted, they might turn into the one that got away.
3. Step Up Your Efffort
Committed relationships are not easy. There's an element of a natural fit, but all relationships require work. The main reason I'm so bad at committing is because I'm lazy. No room for laziness if you're going to be in a serious relationship. You have to be ready for things to get more intense, and accept the responsibility of a serious relationship.
4. Stop Seeing Other People
There are many reaons for seeing other people: keeping your options open, protetcting yourself from getting in too deep, etc. But if you're going to be in a committed relationship, you obviously can't see other people. Time to break off any other little side projects.
5. Don't Second Guess Yourself
It's easy to doubt your feelings every now and then, but you have to limit the second guessing so it doesn't limit your relationship. Sure, it's tough to know if you really like someone, but a lot of times it's all in your head and you talk yourself in to and out of things instead of just going with your gut.
6. Remember You Deserve It
I run into the problem that, because of my Italian-Catholic guilt, my crisis thinking, and my over-analysis of everything, I don't deserve it when good things happen to me. Or, I figure that once something good happens, then a bunch of bad things have to happen to offset the good thing. Chances are, you're not as insane as I am, so remember you do deserve a great relationship.
7. Take A Risk
When when you decide to be in a serious relationship, it feels like you're taking a leap off a cliff (and maybe you are). Every relationship involves an element of risk, and have to go for it once you decide to do it.
8. See It As A Beginning, Not An Ending
Men look at that "plunge" as the end of single life, the end of freedom and the last gasp of immaturity. But we should learn to see a commitment as a beginning instead of an ending. It's the beginning of a new life, and more meaningful relationship with a person you care deeply for.
9. Recognize The Signs
Make sure you acknowledge when something feels different in a good way. I tend to gloss over good things, or miss signals. Don't ignore it, go with it.
10. Grow Up
If you get into a serious relationship, it's time to stop one night stands, stop getting wasted so much, and stop going everywhere in groups with your friends. Priorities and time budgeting certainly change once you're in a relationship.
Do you agree or disagree with my list above? What adjustments and strategies do you think are useful to go from a "dater" to more of a "relationship" person?
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Let's Go Mavs, Let's go Mavs!
So the Dallas Mavericks pulled off a win last night over the Detroit Pistons 98-93. It was a close game but we came out on top! Jason the Jet Terry had a great game along with Josh Howard. I had the pleasure of attending the game with my best church gf's (Ash & Roschea) along with some more church members.
It made for a good night and I got the opportunity to catch up with my girls. We've decided that we're going to try out for the Dallas Maverick's dance team this year. I thought about the Dallas Cowboys but I've seen the show and they don't play. Plus, who wants to get cut and it be filmed to live on FOR-EV-ER? (lol) I need to get in shape, work on my dance moves and hair flips ASAP to get this rolling...I think it'll be fun. I'll keep you posted on if I actually follow through with this or not! :)
It made for a good night and I got the opportunity to catch up with my girls. We've decided that we're going to try out for the Dallas Maverick's dance team this year. I thought about the Dallas Cowboys but I've seen the show and they don't play. Plus, who wants to get cut and it be filmed to live on FOR-EV-ER? (lol) I need to get in shape, work on my dance moves and hair flips ASAP to get this rolling...I think it'll be fun. I'll keep you posted on if I actually follow through with this or not! :)
Monday, January 4, 2010
New Year, New Mindset
Resolve to get your life in order in 2010by Dory Devlin, Shine staff
The blank slate of a new year beckons, and the early days of a fresh year are rich with possibility --the kind that makes our rested selves believe surely this will be the year we organize our personal finances, get started on home projects, and take charge of our career.
It is possible, especially if you focus on a few goals at a time, to get your life in order at work and at home as the new year begins. We’ve rounded up some of the wisest experts often found blogging on Yahoo! Shine about money, work, and home projects to help you get going.
YOUR MONEY
Dayana Yochim of The Motley Fool says getting organized about your money, how you spend it, and how you (hopefully) invest it starts with finding out where your money goes every month.
- Follow the money
Every budget starts with sniffing out your spending habits and determining exactly where your money goes on a day-to-day basis,” Yochim says. Start with your debit card or if you use one credit card to pay most of your monthly bills and other expenses for an easy way to track your spending habits. If you use cash, for at least one week, write down what you spend every day, then multiply it by four and add it to the monthly recurring bills you pay to approximate how much you spend a month.
- Get a spending plan
Aside from the bills you know you need to pay month in, month out, now’s the time to write down what you will need to—and want to—spend money on in the next three to six months. “These could be physical purchases (like new tires for the car, airfare for the family vacation) or financial plans (such as paying off a credit card, maxing out this year's IRA or adding to your emergency fund,” Yochim says. Once you attach dollar amounts to these goals, and you decide how many months until you'll be spending on them, you’ll be able to figure how much you need to save every month to reach one or more of your goals.
- Save automatically
"The best way to save your money is to keep your cash out of spending reach by diverting it to a separate savings account--one different from the checking account you use for everyday expenditures,” Yochim says. Set up automatic transfers from your regular checking account to savings account so you can put the money out of reach before you spend it on something else.
YOUR CAREER
When you tend to the professional relationships in your life you are tending to your career because chances are good you will find your way to your next job through someone you already know. With that in mind, Marci Alboher, who blogged about Working the New Economy here on Yahoo! Shine and is now a senior fellow at Civic Ventures, has these tips for the new year:
- Focus on the people you know
Tend to strong relationships you already have, rather than making new contacts. “In the course of a career, people can usually trace the most significant opportunities to a small handful of people," Alboher says.
- Say thank you
Identify those who have done something helpful in your career in the past year and find your own way to say thanks. “A colleague recently made my week by hand delivering a box of chocolates from her hometown's confectioner,” Alboher says. “An out-of-the-blue recommendation on LinkedIn or a handwritten thank you note would have a similar result.”
- Be a mentor
The dark of winter is an ideal time to think about nurturing others, so look around for someone to mentor. You'll feel great about helping an up-and-comer and at the same time, you'll be plugging yourself in to where your industry is going.
YOUR HOME
Once all traces of holiday decorations and entertaining are put away, keep going. It’s a good time to pare down and get rid of clutter that keeps you from enjoying your home—and fearing an unannounced drop-in visit.
- Start small
Create a gadget-charging area so you can tame the wires and know where to look for smartphones, iPods, and cameras when you need them. Pay your bills online to cut down on the paper coming into the house, and set up an accordion file by month for the paper bills you still get once they’re paid.
The heart of the winter is also a good time to freshen up your home, but home projects don’t have to be daunting or expensive.
- A splash of fresh paint
“If you want to freshen up a room but don’t have time for a decorative overhaul, try painting one wall in a bold accent color. Apply it to the least prominent wall and the pop of color will always be a pleasant surprise as you move about the space,” says PointClickHome.com Executive Editor, Anne E. Collins.
- Think storage
Keep things you use in view, and store clutter-y items like DVDs and other media behind closed doors. As for the items you keep in plain view, don’t overdo it. “It’s okay to have a few tchotchkes—if you consolidate them. Grouping similar items on a shelf or two will make them look like a curated collection rather than a hodgepodge of stuff,” Collins says.
What’s on your get-organized list for your goals at work and home at the start of the new year?
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Something EVERY single woman should keep in mind
Ladies, you are the Prize! Stop Running in Behind Them
By Sonya Walker
We live in a society where we are taught to give of ourselves and it doesn't matter whether or not that they are even deserving of what you have to offer. We live in a society where women are taught not to ask for what you want but just give and keep on giving. So what ends up happening is that we settle for the lesser option, so that at least we can say we got something. For example, you want a relationship and they just want sex or to just be a friend with benefits and we settle for the benefits because something is better than nothing. As women we are taught that we are to pursue men like we are chasing our dreams but I came to let you know that you are the prize. We settle because we believe that this is all that God can give us.
Webster defines a prize as something exceptionally desirable. Women we are the prize, so often times we try so hard to prove or to show them that we are good women that we bend over backwards. I have found out that maybe the problem is that we need to stop trying to show them, if they can't see that you are valuable then maybe God has someone else for you who will appreciate you not just as any woman but as a great woman of substance and as someone who is exceptionally desirable. I believe that often times the problem is that we see the men as the prize and we compete for them but the bible tell us differently. Never in the bible will you read where a woman would chase a man and if she did she was considered a prostitute not a woman of God. When Jacob saw Rachel he wanted God to give her to him so bad that he worked for her because he saw her as the prize.
Now when Jacob saw Rachel he kissed her and lifted up his voice and wept. Now Jacob loved Rachel; so he told the father I will serve you for sevenyears for Rachel your younger daughter.Genesis 29 (read the entire story)
You see Rachel didn't have to do a thing in order to get Jacob to love her. I believe that Beyonce was on to something when she said, 'if you like it then you should have put a ring on it.' I believe that we should walk around being the beautiful women that we are and not put forth any effort to prove that we are worth having. When we go to department stores we can look and see which stores are cheap and which one's are expensive. We know before walking in that either I am going to just look around or either I am going to make a purchase simply because we know what we can afford. Ladies, you are the prize stop falling for the trick of the devil when he tells you that you must settle for less. Look at it this way when runners enter a race they enter in order to win the prize, you don't see the prize jumping off the stand and saying, 'hey, I am coming after you, don't you want me.' Know it just sits there being beautiful and when the runner sees the value of the prize they train for it, enter into it and run for it in order to receive it. They haven't touched it, rubbed it, played with it, they just saw it and was determined I have to make it mine.
Then why are we chasing in behind them. We quote the scripture all the time he who finds a wife find a good thing but do you understand the revelation of the scripture. Look at it, doesn't it say when he finds not a woman but a wife meaning she was already a wife when he met her and she didn't have to prove who she was because when he met her he could see her potential. Then the scripture goes on to say, that he will obtain favor from the Lord. Look at that when he finds you (looking for you, searching for you, not the other way around) he gets the prize, 'the favor of God.' Girls, don't you know that you are the prize and when he wins you over then he gets you the prize and the favor of God. You remember the commercial where the man would say, I got a winner, and I think I got a winner when he believes he just won the lotto.
I will close with this, my son made a comment to me the other day. He said, 'momma I hope you get paid a lot of money for what you do, because you put your heart into it, so I hope they know who they are getting.' Then he said on yesterday, 'momma where did you go the other night I said out to dinner and he asked did they treat you and I said yes, he said, 'you mean to tell me you didn't pay, now that you are moving they want to do something for you,' I was taken by his statement but as I write you what my son was telling me is that momma you are valuable and that you have always been worthy but you were selling yourself short. After years of giving which is what I love to do, I never stopped long enough to receive it. I must confess that I minister to women all over the country telling them how valuable that they are that I had to be reminded of how valuable I am. A young lady, who is like my little sister, said to me 'get freedom in this, and if they don't like it oh well, it's their lost.' I wonder ladies are you going to stop long enough to let people show you that you are valuable to them or will you keep trying to prove to people who you are? I can honestly say, I am going to stop trying to prove myself and will you join me on the stand as the prizes we really are?
Beautifully Speaking,
Sonya
By Sonya Walker
We live in a society where we are taught to give of ourselves and it doesn't matter whether or not that they are even deserving of what you have to offer. We live in a society where women are taught not to ask for what you want but just give and keep on giving. So what ends up happening is that we settle for the lesser option, so that at least we can say we got something. For example, you want a relationship and they just want sex or to just be a friend with benefits and we settle for the benefits because something is better than nothing. As women we are taught that we are to pursue men like we are chasing our dreams but I came to let you know that you are the prize. We settle because we believe that this is all that God can give us.
Webster defines a prize as something exceptionally desirable. Women we are the prize, so often times we try so hard to prove or to show them that we are good women that we bend over backwards. I have found out that maybe the problem is that we need to stop trying to show them, if they can't see that you are valuable then maybe God has someone else for you who will appreciate you not just as any woman but as a great woman of substance and as someone who is exceptionally desirable. I believe that often times the problem is that we see the men as the prize and we compete for them but the bible tell us differently. Never in the bible will you read where a woman would chase a man and if she did she was considered a prostitute not a woman of God. When Jacob saw Rachel he wanted God to give her to him so bad that he worked for her because he saw her as the prize.
Now when Jacob saw Rachel he kissed her and lifted up his voice and wept. Now Jacob loved Rachel; so he told the father I will serve you for sevenyears for Rachel your younger daughter.Genesis 29 (read the entire story)
You see Rachel didn't have to do a thing in order to get Jacob to love her. I believe that Beyonce was on to something when she said, 'if you like it then you should have put a ring on it.' I believe that we should walk around being the beautiful women that we are and not put forth any effort to prove that we are worth having. When we go to department stores we can look and see which stores are cheap and which one's are expensive. We know before walking in that either I am going to just look around or either I am going to make a purchase simply because we know what we can afford. Ladies, you are the prize stop falling for the trick of the devil when he tells you that you must settle for less. Look at it this way when runners enter a race they enter in order to win the prize, you don't see the prize jumping off the stand and saying, 'hey, I am coming after you, don't you want me.' Know it just sits there being beautiful and when the runner sees the value of the prize they train for it, enter into it and run for it in order to receive it. They haven't touched it, rubbed it, played with it, they just saw it and was determined I have to make it mine.
Then why are we chasing in behind them. We quote the scripture all the time he who finds a wife find a good thing but do you understand the revelation of the scripture. Look at it, doesn't it say when he finds not a woman but a wife meaning she was already a wife when he met her and she didn't have to prove who she was because when he met her he could see her potential. Then the scripture goes on to say, that he will obtain favor from the Lord. Look at that when he finds you (looking for you, searching for you, not the other way around) he gets the prize, 'the favor of God.' Girls, don't you know that you are the prize and when he wins you over then he gets you the prize and the favor of God. You remember the commercial where the man would say, I got a winner, and I think I got a winner when he believes he just won the lotto.
I will close with this, my son made a comment to me the other day. He said, 'momma I hope you get paid a lot of money for what you do, because you put your heart into it, so I hope they know who they are getting.' Then he said on yesterday, 'momma where did you go the other night I said out to dinner and he asked did they treat you and I said yes, he said, 'you mean to tell me you didn't pay, now that you are moving they want to do something for you,' I was taken by his statement but as I write you what my son was telling me is that momma you are valuable and that you have always been worthy but you were selling yourself short. After years of giving which is what I love to do, I never stopped long enough to receive it. I must confess that I minister to women all over the country telling them how valuable that they are that I had to be reminded of how valuable I am. A young lady, who is like my little sister, said to me 'get freedom in this, and if they don't like it oh well, it's their lost.' I wonder ladies are you going to stop long enough to let people show you that you are valuable to them or will you keep trying to prove to people who you are? I can honestly say, I am going to stop trying to prove myself and will you join me on the stand as the prizes we really are?
Beautifully Speaking,
Sonya
Monday, July 27, 2009
Where Are the Black Bachelor(ettes)?
With the season finale airing tonight this has been a lingering question in my mind. I found this article to be pretty interesting...
Memo to the producers of ‘The Bachelor’: How about letting a few black people hand out roses?
By: Rachel Skerritt
This season of ABC’s reality show The Bachelorette is coming to a close. I would like to thank you for the hours of entertainment you’ve provided over 13 seasons of The Bachelor plus five seasons of The Bachelorette: the overuse of the word “amazing,” the overly tearful women (and men) and the repeated stating of the obvious: “This is your final rose tonight.” As if we can’t see that there’s just one flower sitting on the tray.
The fact that I can count on a good love story with every episode (even though the couple inevitably breaks up before getting down the aisle) keeps me coming back for more. However, I must bring this matter to your attention: In the entire history of the show, there has never been a bachelor or bachelorette of color. Don’t you think it’s time for someone with brown skin to be calling the shots at your rose ceremonies?
Why is it that if an African American wants to humiliate him- or herself on national TV in search of a mate, the only options are I Love New York or For the Love of Ray J? Are we not suitable for major networks? Yes, you do occasionally allow one black contestant on the show at a time, only for that person to be eliminated by the second episode. But if we don’t have a shot at the ring, don’t bother inviting us. Really. It’s like starting a new NFL franchise and telling the team that it will never be eligible to play in the Super Bowl.
You may be wondering why the couples who get together on your show rarely work out in the long term. Well, you’re not exactly picking folks who are feeling tons of urgency to find a spouse. According to a study by the Washington Post, black women are the least likely group in American society to get married (45 percent of us have never been married, compared with 23 percent of white women). So wouldn’t it make sense to cast someone from the group who could most use the assistance? Instead, you picked Deanna, one of the most recent bachelorettes. At 26, she claimed that she couldn’t wait to settle down and raise a family. Seriously? She’s 26. You couldn’t have been that shocked when she chose the professional snowboarder—and then dumped him as soon as the show wrapped.
This season, we’ve watched Jillian keep around a contestant who was on the show to promote his country music album while in the meantime she let go of every guy who expressed an interest in marriage.
I’ll bet some of your concern is that you might lose viewers if you had a black star. But take a lesson from Bravo’s The Real Housewives series. When the show moved from Orange County to Atlanta, its ratings went through the roof. Diversifying your cast of characters would only increase your audience. The dialogue would be more substantive, the family visits more interesting and the stakes much higher. If you don’t start getting creative come season 19, your final rose might turn up sooner than you think.
Rachel Skerritt is a novelist and high school principal living in Boston.
Memo to the producers of ‘The Bachelor’: How about letting a few black people hand out roses?
By: Rachel Skerritt
This season of ABC’s reality show The Bachelorette is coming to a close. I would like to thank you for the hours of entertainment you’ve provided over 13 seasons of The Bachelor plus five seasons of The Bachelorette: the overuse of the word “amazing,” the overly tearful women (and men) and the repeated stating of the obvious: “This is your final rose tonight.” As if we can’t see that there’s just one flower sitting on the tray.
The fact that I can count on a good love story with every episode (even though the couple inevitably breaks up before getting down the aisle) keeps me coming back for more. However, I must bring this matter to your attention: In the entire history of the show, there has never been a bachelor or bachelorette of color. Don’t you think it’s time for someone with brown skin to be calling the shots at your rose ceremonies?
Why is it that if an African American wants to humiliate him- or herself on national TV in search of a mate, the only options are I Love New York or For the Love of Ray J? Are we not suitable for major networks? Yes, you do occasionally allow one black contestant on the show at a time, only for that person to be eliminated by the second episode. But if we don’t have a shot at the ring, don’t bother inviting us. Really. It’s like starting a new NFL franchise and telling the team that it will never be eligible to play in the Super Bowl.
You may be wondering why the couples who get together on your show rarely work out in the long term. Well, you’re not exactly picking folks who are feeling tons of urgency to find a spouse. According to a study by the Washington Post, black women are the least likely group in American society to get married (45 percent of us have never been married, compared with 23 percent of white women). So wouldn’t it make sense to cast someone from the group who could most use the assistance? Instead, you picked Deanna, one of the most recent bachelorettes. At 26, she claimed that she couldn’t wait to settle down and raise a family. Seriously? She’s 26. You couldn’t have been that shocked when she chose the professional snowboarder—and then dumped him as soon as the show wrapped.
This season, we’ve watched Jillian keep around a contestant who was on the show to promote his country music album while in the meantime she let go of every guy who expressed an interest in marriage.
I’ll bet some of your concern is that you might lose viewers if you had a black star. But take a lesson from Bravo’s The Real Housewives series. When the show moved from Orange County to Atlanta, its ratings went through the roof. Diversifying your cast of characters would only increase your audience. The dialogue would be more substantive, the family visits more interesting and the stakes much higher. If you don’t start getting creative come season 19, your final rose might turn up sooner than you think.
Rachel Skerritt is a novelist and high school principal living in Boston.
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